Colors fade and everything dims…welcome to the black and white sitcom that is not as funny as Charlie Chaplin but almost as dark as the genocides.welcome back my dear..to the darkness you thought was gone…
My brain sings a different story.a story of possibilities and opportunities but very quickly that changes because depression strikes like a nimbus cloud, it quickly and completely engulfs everything and dominates the waves and ripples…there was a happy tingle just moments ago and the sun was shinning and I was laughing with my sister about how a duck waddles and how we would steal a sip of dad’s liquor once we’re back home ..
Stupid of me to think I’d enjoy this holiday…the sun is still up I can see it but it’s not shinning anymore it’s bland and dim to me and it refuses to warm my hands…a little secret,my hands get very cold when the depression kicks in,no matter how much I place them in direct view of the sun.
I notice my sister waving at the side and I realize I drifted into my own reverie. Selfish of me I know,but it sort of takes you over until nothing else seems relevant…with my short attention span I should’ve hoped I wouldn’t have to stay with depression but it turns out that’s where I shine..I move towards the beach and I walk slowly but purposefully,it seems like it’s so far away.
I breathe in the salty air,isn’t it peculiar how you can feel if the air is different??salty,warm hot air??I hated the air here,I did love the breeze,it brought about cold air with it and my lungs felt sated.everything seemed to be getting lighter in Mass….I was floating,and through my Misty eyes I thought I saw my sister waving from the shores again.
What’s with her and waving?is it a new trend for this x generation kids? I didn’t quite know and I didn’t want to know…these trends are too many can’t it all just stop!we have to cram them all up albeit we get scammed and framed. We have to keep up with the trends ..or else we lose our jobs . It’s all so suffocating …all of it and maybe I was born in the wrong era …maybe I’d have been better off as Leonardo da Vinci’s apprentice..maybe I’d have been a merchants wife in Venice and not have to fight a battle of sexuality everyday….
Am I weak??for wanting progress to halt so that us fat people can catch up??fat is figurative.
I am broke out of my reverie by the salty air again.where did the breeze go?this salty air feels so liquid now…and why do I feel the salty taste in my mouth ??
Why can’t my feet touch the ground??
Panic sets in and I realize I’m having a panic attack,I’m floating ,I’m choking in my own fears and no one can save me from this and I decide to drown in them.ive made my peace with my demons.i intend to breathe in harmony with them.
In that moment I was harshly jerked awake by strong arms that seemed like they were shaking….I opened my eyes and I was in the water…the sun was gleaming from the reflective rays but I was drowning.how did I get here? The hands that held me jerked me up from beneath the surface of the water.it was the diver I saw on the beach.he looked at me as though I was crazy…as he carried me to shore I realized I’d messed up…it was getting so bad I was subconsciously suicidal without realizing it…and before I lost consciousness I wondered….was there coming back from this??